The 5 Dynamite Products The Affiliate Masters Don't Want You To Know About!

So you've been at the affiliate game for a while now, promoting every product you can think of, and you're just not making as much as the affiliate gurus made you believe. Well that's because you're a stupid sucker.

But don't feel bad, because what you don't know is that those "affiliate gurus" have rigged the game. Yeah, that's it.

While they've got you out there promoting anti-virus software and Chinese mp3 players, they're simultaneously suppressing the knowledge of the 5 products that are the REAL AUTOMATIC WEALTH CREATING MONEY MAKERS you should be promoting!! Well now I'm going to blow the lid off the whole thing!

Here are those 5 Dynamite Affiliate Products they don't want you to know about;

 1. Viewmaster Disks
As the quality of TV programming continues to plummet, people are turning to other alternatives - and since they can't read books, you're gonna sell thousands of these things.

2. Ice Cream Scoops 
Hey, who cares if anthropogenic global warming is true or not? If Al Gore can make a boatload of money out of it, so can you!! Everybody loves ice cream, and the fear of scorching temperatures is driving people to hoard the chilly treat like crazy! Now what do all paranoid ice cream lovers need? Ice cream scoops! And hey, with our in-the-toilet economy, the sheeple always reach for their favorite fatty comfort food! Consider this your "Rocky Road to Riches!"

3. Pogs
As the kids of GenX are now grown up and getting older, what will they do as they face a bleak future? Why, cling to the past of course! These collectible cardboard disks from the 90's are sure to surge in popularity, so you should get in on the second pog revolution now! As GenX'ers sink into despair, you can rise to new heights of wealth!!

4. Voice Masking Software
Because even though you're blocking the caller ID, women are starting to recognize your voice on the other side of the phone, gentlemen.

5. Black Ski Masks
It seems like everybody has their own website now, and lots of those stupid suckers are affiliates who promote stupid products on their stupid sites. Since they don't know the secrets you now know, they're obviously not making any money and likely very desperate - You can make a killing selling them this fashionable head covering... and they won't be using it to go skiing! Pass along a friendly "thank you!" when you encounter them at the convenience store!

So why am I revealing these INCREDIBLE SECRETS instead of making BIG MONEY from them myself? Why, it's because I don't really care about making money at all! Screw money, I got into affiliate blogging because it's just so much fun!

Like my logo? You would, you stupid sucker!!

Look at my logo, man! It's got a font that isn't Comic Sans! It employs gradients and a small amount of graphical design know-how! It doesn't take 16 minutes for the image to load, and it's even sized properly!

What can you glean from these facts? Well, obviously it tells you that I know what I'm talking about! Yeah!
See, if I'm smart enough to go on Craigslist and find some dude to throw together a 5 dollar graphic in half an hour, I'm probably smart enough to have figured out the keys to BIG MONEY through selling products as an affiliate!

Am I some middle-aged woman, showing off her home-made quilts on the web, who slaps up some ugly text in "Comic Sans" for my header? No way, baby! I'm a professional! I got a professional looking graphic! You gotta get one too if you want be be "somebody" online. It's looks that count you know! Forget worthwhile content, just stick a bunch of key-word drenched ads on your link-farm and your wallet will be SUPER-CHARGED with money!

After all, look at all the US Presidential candidates of the last few decades. People don't care about substance, they just want professional looking guys with stiff combed hair and non-threatening, halfway-thumbs-up hand gestures. This example can be carried over into your online money-making ventures! Again, don't waste your time trying to create useful content that people could really use. If you really want to be a ROCKSTAR AFFILIATE, you just have to remember that it's 10 percent content, 90 percent pretty graphics. 

Follow that nugget of wisdom, and SUCCESS will probably be yours almost overnight! Leave a comment and let me know how this SUCCESS SECRET has changed your life!

Hey, why do you call your visitors "idiots" and "suckers"?

Hi there! Some people have been asking me about my blog here, and why I seem to always call my visitors "idiots", "morons" and "stupid suckers". They say "It's not very nice to call your visitors those mean names. People won't come back to your blog if you're not nice to them".

Well needless to say, I was quite alarmed when I received this kind of feedback! I certainly didn't mean to put anyone down with my blog, and if any offense was taken, they should know that it was not my intent!

Understand, when I've addressed a visitor as "idiot", it was with the nicest of intentions. We all enjoy some playful ribbing or endearing teases, don't we? If each of us had a nickel for every time we asked a casual acquaintance, "Hey Dan, would you mind helping me move a couch, you stupid sucker?" Who of us does not occasionally pick up the phone (or in my case, go upstairs) and say, "Hi mom, thanks for making that delicious cake for me, idiot." Surely you see what I mean...

Heck, I sometimes even mail postcards soaked in my own urine to random people ("scumbags" I playfully call them) in my town. Who doesn't do that?!

In fact, because of this issue, one or two readers have told me they think I have severe mental problems - but besides my challenges with affiliate marketing, I don't think I have any major (or minor) flaws. I think my psychologist mentioned something about "projection", but she's an insecure jerk anyway.

At any rate, I just wanted to clear up this issue and avoid any misunderstandings. I wish you best of success with your online ventures, morons!

"Results Not Typical"

Hey, here's a great tip for all you who run or manage an affiliate program - Don't worry about providing realistic expectations for what your affiliates can earn - Just make sure you add this wonderful little tidbit - "Results not typical." - Be sure to print it in the smallest font possible though, and always color this text with the least visible, hideously yellow color available...

You should soon get some lazy illiterate affiliates who will sign up to eagerly scurry about and spread your lame pitch all over cyberspace, but not a single one will earn enough to buy a pair of earmuffs!

Do all this, and you'll get away with pretty much any claim you make, and you could earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a month!*

*results not typical

Affiliate Marketing; It's A Dream Job!

When I was in kindergarten, the teacher herded us kids over to the swirly green carpet in the middle of the room, sat us in a circle and asked each one of us, "What would you like to be when you grow up?" My fellow students gave many interesting answers. Some children said 'a firefighter!' Others replied 'a race car driver!' Still others gave wonderfully innocent answers like 'I want to be a princess' and 'I'm gonna be Santa Claus!'

But not me. No, I would not be chained to the conventional roles that the other children sought after. When came my turn to answer the teacher, I proudly proclaimed the vision I had set forth as a shining dream the front of my mind, "Ma'am... as I live and breathe... when I grown up... I will be an online super-affiliate!"

Of course at that time, the internet didn't exist yet, but that's the kind of insightful, forward-thinking child I was. In the following days, I even went door to door asking my neighbors if they had any origami flowers or peach chutney that I could sell to other neighbors in exchange for a tiny percentage.

Now today, I can observe those old classmates and the roles they now find themselves in. Among them are firefighters, chiropractors, and acute care nurses. A few more are managers at grocery stores and the like. And in this economy, I'm not even surprised that a few of them have had to resort to honest work waiting tables at the restaurant and stocking shelves at the big box stores.

But they're all stupid suckers. They're all toiling away, stupidly trading hours of their time for money, instead of leveraging that time into an automated system to generate wealth, like I do.

Let me paint the picture - I can wake up at noon, go to my computer, and (with the breakthrough method I use) I can sit back and watch my system accumulate incredible wealth. In as little as 6 months, I have gone from living in my parent's garage with zero dollars in my bank account to an incredible life where I now live in my parent's garage with 13 dollars in my bank account!! I did this all while sitting in my pajamas at home and following a few easy-to-implement secrets!

To my old classmates - enjoy your drudgery, you stupid suckers!

Affiliate Marketing is SO AMAZING!!!!

In writing school they say "Write what you know!" and since I know lots about being a failure, I knew it was a perfect time to get blogging!

Have you (like a moron) listened to a weasely 'affiliate guru' and purchased his AMAZING AFFILIATE POWER AUTOMATIC CASH MACHINE SYSTEM FOR ULTIMATE MONEY MAKING PROGRAM!! like I did? Welcome to the idiots club!


Isn't it so much fun to log into your affiliate dashboard as you pray to that Boba Fett bobble-head sitting on your computer that he grants you 86 cents this month for selling an oriental stir-fry cookbook? Then stick around, and we can discover the insider secrets to making tens of dollars a year from your own home!